When Polyamory Isn’t Honest: Why People Still Lie (Even When They Don’t Have To)

We say polyamory is about freedom.

Freedom to love.

Freedom to explore.

Freedom to be honest about who we are and what we need.

But then… we still lie.

Even with all that supposed freedom.

A recent story shared by someone in the community stuck with me. He’d been seeing a woman for a couple of months who identified as polyamorous. From the start, he knew she was dating another man. But as their relationship developed, her behavior didn’t align with the open honesty that polyamory requires. She dodged questions, avoided clarity, and masked her other relationships under half-truths and vague statements like “I’m just seeing a friend.”

Eventually, it became clear, she wasn’t just keeping things private. She was hiding.

And in doing so, she was distorting what polyamory actually is.

Polyamory Isn’t a Free Pass to Be Messy

Polyamory is not “do whatever you want.”

It’s not lying with flair or avoiding confrontation under the guise of “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

It’s accountability.

It’s transparency.

It’s adult conversations when it’s uncomfortable.

When someone lies or withholds information in a polyamorous relationship, it’s not just about jealousy. It’s about trust. Because without honesty, how can you ever fully relax into love?

In this story, the man wasn’t jealous, he was disappointed. And that distinction matters. Because disappointment means he wanted to trust her. He wanted to show up honestly. He invited that from the beginning.

So why lie?

Why Do People Still Lie in Polyamory?

Here’s the truth: polyamory doesn’t erase fear.

And people lie in polyam dynamics for the same reasons they lie in monogamous ones:

• They’re afraid of being judged.

• They’re afraid of being rejected.

• They’re afraid of losing access to the version of the relationship they want to maintain.

• They haven’t unlearned the habits of secrecy.

• They think silence = protection.

But here’s the twist: when you lie in polyamory, you don’t just protect yourself, you rob others of their informed choice. You take away their ability to consent to the full truth of the connection. And that’s not love. That’s manipulation.

Honesty Has to Be Mutual

It’s one thing to say “I’m poly.”

It’s another to live it in a way that honors every heart involved.

You can’t have real polyamory without real honesty.

You can’t say “I want transparency” and then withhold details that matter.

You can’t ask someone to bring down their guard while you’re still hiding behind yours.

If you’re dating multiple people, say that.

If one of them doesn’t know about the other, say that too.

And if you’re not ready to have those conversations, maybe you’re not ready to be in those relationships.

A Call-In, Not Just a Call-Out

This isn’t about shaming the girl in the story.

Because many of us are still unlearning how to be truthful without being cruel.

Many of us grew up in households or relationships where being honest got us punished.

But part of practicing polyamory with care is understanding that we have to relearn intimacy through truth. We have to build the muscle of honesty, even when it shakes.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve been lied to in a poly dynamic, you’re not wrong for being disappointed. You’re not wrong for wanting clarity. And you damn sure aren’t asking for too much by expecting honesty.

And if you find yourself lying....even little things.....pause.

Ask yourself:

• Am I afraid?

• What would happen if I told the full truth?

• What version of me am I trying to protect?

Polyamory only works when we show up fully.

And the truth is: you deserve to be loved out loud, not in the shadows.

🌱 Aeris Bloome